you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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