cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
