My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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