Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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