I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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