Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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