Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
