Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You are a genius and a whore.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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