If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
