im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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