Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
