Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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