i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
FUCK WHALES
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
