I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.