i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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