you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
