just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
