So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
