My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
