I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
