At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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