He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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