I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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