Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
