theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
