My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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