dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
