Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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