His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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