If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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