A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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