Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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