when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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