I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
