Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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