When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
