No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
