Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
