so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
