I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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