He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
