According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
