a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
