I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
