Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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