The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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