Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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