we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
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Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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