so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
