there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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