My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
