I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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