I met the friendliest cop last night
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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