I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
