my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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