he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
