Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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