if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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