ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
