naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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